Why am I not in the mood?

Why am I not in the mood? 

Not feeling a strong desire for sex or lacking enjoyment in sexual activities can stem from many things, both physical and psychological. Here are some common reasons why you might not feel interested in being sex intimate with yourself of your partner:

Physical Factors:

1. Hormonal Imbalances: Fluctuations in hormones, such as testosterone or estrogen, can affect libido (sexual desire). If you’re menopausal or perimenopausal this could definitely affect your desire to be intimate.
2. Medical Conditions: Certain medical conditions like diabetes, thyroid disorders, chronic pain, or neurological issues can impact sexual function and desire.
3. Medication Side Effects: Some medications, including antidepressants, antihistamines, and blood pressure medications, can sometimes, not always suppress libido.

Psychological and Emotional Factors:

1. Stress and Anxiety: High levels of stress, anxiety, or worry can interfere with sexual desire and arousal. Are you worried about the kids coming into your room and you can’t relax? Or you’re worried about your job or elderly parent? These can cause stress which may affect your desire and ability to be present for intimacy.
2. Depression: Depression can decrease interest in activities that were once pleasurable, including sex. You may feel too sad or low to be able to think of or even enjoy intimacy.
3. Relationship Issues: Conflict, unresolved issues, lack of emotional intimacy, or communication problems in a relationship can affect sexual desire.
4. Past Trauma or Abuse: Previous experiences of trauma, unwanted touch or abuse can lead to feelings of fear, discomfort, or aversion towards touch or sex.
5. Body Image Concerns: Negative body image or dissatisfaction with your physical appearance can impact sexual self-esteem and desire.
6. Performance issues: If you’re feeling anxious about your performance or ability to orgasm at just the right time, then performance issues/ anxiety may be effecting your desire. 

Lifestyle Factors:

1. Fatigue and Exhaustion: Busy schedules, lack of sleep, caring for kids or physical exhaustion can diminish interest in sex in anybody.
2. Unhealthy Habits: Excessive alcohol consumption, smoking, or drug use can dampen libido and sexual responsiveness which may also cause you to feel too “tired” to initiate or enjoy sex. 
3. Lack of Emotional Connection: Feeling disrespected or disconnected emotionally from your partner can reduce sexual desire and satisfaction. Work on the emotional connection first!

Cultural and Personal Factors:

1. Cultural or Religious Beliefs: Upbringing or cultural background may influence attitudes towards sex and intimacy. Notice the messages that you grew up with regarding sex from school, church, parents, etc.
2. Personal Values: Individual preferences and priorities may make other aspects of life more important than sexual connection, such as training for a marathon or putting most of your time and energy into raising kids.

What You Can Do:

1. Consult a Healthcare Professional: If your lack of interest in sex is causing distress or impacting your relationship, consider consulting with your doctor. They can evaluate potential medical causes, run tests and recommend appropriate treatment or referrals.
2. Explore Therapy: A therapist or counselor specializing in sexual health or relationship issues can help explore underlying psychological factors, past experiences/ traumas, or concerns that may be affecting your sexual desire. Talking with a certified sex therapist can help you feel more comfortable with your wants, needs and overall sexuality. See: www.AASECT.org
3. Communicate with Your Partner: Open and honest communication with your partner about your feelings, concerns, and desires is essential. They may also benefit from understanding your perspective and supporting you in finding solutions together. You’re a sexual team and may want to see a couple’s sex therapist. See: www.AASECT.org
4. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that reduce stress, promote relaxation, and enhance overall well-being. This can include exercise, mindfulness practices, hobbies, or activities that bring you joy. This can also include working together with your partner to handle kids, pets and household chores.
5. Educate Yourself: Learning more about sexual health, desire, and intimacy can provide insights and strategies to enhance your sexual experiences and understanding your desire. Sex is usually more pleasurable when you enjoy it too, not just “doing it” to please your partner.

Remember, it’s okay to have fluctuations in sexual desire, and there is no “normal” level of sexual interest that applies to everyone. Finding a way to meet in the middle regarding sexual desire will help both people feel less judged and create more closeness. Understanding and addressing the factors influencing your sexual desire can lead to greater satisfaction and understanding in your intimate relationship. Remember to have “sex worth wanting” in order for sex to feel worthwhile. (Dr. David Schnarch, Intimacy and Desire).

Reach out to me: Janelle Washburne, LCSW, LMFT, CST at: [email protected]