Solving Communication and Attachment Differences
Help! We have different attachment styles!! Can our relationship work?
In the beginning phases of a relationship it may seem like the two of you are SO alike in every way, but then as time goes on you realize that your relational needs are quite different from each other.
This difference may be caused by you and your partner’s attachment styles. When partners have dissimilar attachment styles (e.g., anxious, avoidant, secure), they often unknowingly trigger each other’s insecurities.
But with awareness, communication and compassion, these unique perspectives and needs can actually balance and deepen the relationship rather than break it.
Here’s a few tips of how couples can get along — and even grow — despite attachment style differences:
1. Understand Each Other’s Attachment Style:
Each style has core needs and fears:
- Anxious: craves closeness and reassurance; fears abandonment.
- Avoidant: values independence; fears being controlled or smothered.
- Secure: comfortable with both intimacy and independence.
Tip: Talk about these patterns kindly and gently — not as flaws, but as protective strategies that you learned early in life.
2. Name the Pattern, Not the Person
Instead of saying,
“You’re so clingy!” or “You’re so distant!”
Try:
“I get anxious and want more closeness when I feel like you’re pulling away, can we slow down and talk about what’s happening?”
Naming the pattern helps partners collaborate rather than blame.
3. Learn How To Soothe Each Other:
Each style responds to soothing differently:
- Anxious partners feel soothed by consistent contact, reassurance, and emotional presence.
- Avoidant partners feel soothed by space, respect for autonomy, and calm communication.
Try this: The anxious partner can practice self-soothing before reaching out by using some deep breathing techniques or mentally reassuring themselves that the conversation will go well; the avoidant partner can practice staying emotionally present a little longer than feels comfortable.
If either one of you feels out of your window of tolerance it’s ok to call a “Time Out” and tell your partner where you’re going and when you’ll be back to begin the conversation from a collaborative and TEAM approach. (the person who calls the time out, initiates coming back together so both can reconnect with a different mindset and work together).
4. Create Secure Rituals
Small, predictable, consistent behaviors can build trust in a relationship:
- Morning or evening check-ins
- Hug before leaving/after coming home
- “I’ll text when I arrive” for reliability
- Weekly couple time without distractions or couch time to check in with your partner regarding how you’re doing as their partner and asking if there’s anything else they’d like you to do or not do to help them feel loved.
Remember: Consistency helps anxious partners relax, and predictability helps avoidant partners feel safe.
5. Repair Quickly After Conflict
Couples with different attachment styles can easily misread each other’s intentions. A quick repair might look like:
“I got overwhelmed and shut down — it wasn’t about you.” “I panicked when you got quiet — can we reconnect now?”
The goal is reconnection, not perfection.
6. Work Toward Earned Security
With time, empathy, and repetition, even anxious–avoidant pairs can develop a secure bond:
- You learn to co-regulate instead of trigger each other.
- Emotional needs feel safe to express with gentleness and kindness.
- Both people feel heard and understood.
- Both partners trust that the relationship can hold tension and they work together for a mutually beneficial solution.
I help couples put these concepts into practice every day. I’d love to help you bring these skills into your relationship too. Email me for a consultation: [email protected]