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  • How to Recover from Infidelity

    As a marriage counselor, there is probably one statement I have heard more than any other, and that is, “I just don’t think I will ever get over this.” This statement is often said by my clients who have recently learned their spouse has had an affair. The second most common phrase I hear is, “I just don’t think I can ever trust them again.”

    The initial shock of infidelity cuts deep. Knowing your partner has broken your trust in such a profound way can completely turn your world upside down leading to anger, disbelief and sadness.

    Whether or not a couple can recover from infidelity depends on the couple and the relationship they have already built. It also may depend on the exact circumstances of the affair. Was it a drunken one-night stand on a business trip or an affair that lasted for years? Were love and intimacy involved, or was it merely a physical occurrence? Has this repeatedly happened with others over years? 

    For those couples who want to try and stay together, it will take work on both of their parts. But healing is possible with some help and guidance, that’s were I come in. 

    The Recovery Process

    Recovery must begin with an absolute ending to the affair. All ties must be cut before the work can begin. Should the affair continue behind the scenes, in my experience, the relationship is very unlikely to succeed.

    The second step to recovery is for the person who betrayed their partner’s trust to be able to move past defensiveness and guilt so they make talk openly and transparently about what happened. This is a time when the “guilty” party will have to be humble, acknowledge their wrong-doings, and answer their partner’s questions.

    Next, there must be a shared understanding of what led to the affair in the first place. Were there issues in the marriage that led to the affair? If so, these will need to be tackled.

    In order for the betrayed spouse or partner to be able to begin healing, they will need to feel genuine compassion from their partner for having caused them pain. There is typically a knee-jerk reaction to not want to accept your partner’s apologies or compassion. This can be seen as a way to “get back.” But understand that doing so only holds you back from healing.

    The person that was deceived will also need to explore all of their feelings surrounding the betrayal. Usually shock, rage, fear, sadness, and distrust are the main emotions a person will need to work through.

    At a certain point, not right away, you both will need to decide whether you will stay together. If you choose to, you will need to work on rebuilding that trust.

    As you can see, the process of recovery is a complex one and will require that you work with a marriage therapist, like myself,  to help you navigate the strong emotions involved. But, through commitment and work, many couples can stay together and even have a stronger bond than they did before.

    If you would like to seek counseling for infidelity, please get in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.  [email protected]