How to communicate better

Communication is the most common issue that brings couples into therapy. Most of us never learned healthy communication skills and it can be incredibly difficult to use these skills when we’re in the middle of conflict. So here’s a few tips that can help keep a discussion from getting out of hand. 

1. Practice Active Listening

• Listen to Understand, Not to Respond: Focus on what your partner is saying without planning your response while they are talking. Show genuine interest by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and avoiding distractions (a phone or screen).
• Reflect Back: Paraphrase what your partner has said to ensure you’ve understood them correctly. For example, “What I hear you saying is… Is that right?” Be sure to do this with a tone of trying to understand rather than to refute or just to repeat it back robotically. 

2. Use “I” Statements

• Express your feelings and needs without placing blame. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard at this moment, can we sit down and figure this out? ” This reduces defensiveness and makes it easier for your partner to understand your perspective. Also, after an “I feel…” statement be sure to make a positive request, not a complaint. 

3. Be Mindful of Tone and Body Language

• Your non-verbal cues, like facial expressions, posture, and tone of voice, can communicate a lot. Aim for a calm, open posture, and a gentle tone. Avoid crossing arms, rolling eyes, or using a raised voice, as these can come across as defensive or hostile.

4. Practice Empathy

• Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. Ask yourself, “How would I feel in their situation?” Validate their feelings by acknowledging them, even if you don’t fully agree. For example, “I understand why you might feel that way.”

5. Avoid Assumptions

• Don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking or feeling. If you’re unsure, ask clarifying questions. For example, “Can you help me understand what you mean by that?” or “Are you feeling upset about what happened earlier?”

6. Stay on Topic

• Focus on one specific issue at hand rather than bringing up past grievances. Avoid “kitchen-sinking,” where multiple issues are brought up at once, as this can overwhelm the conversation and lead to arguments.

7. Take Responsibility for Your Part

• Acknowledge your role in any conflict or miscommunication. For example, say, “I realize I might have contributed to this misunderstanding by not expressing myself clearly.”

8. Schedule Regular Check-Ins

• Set aside time regularly to discuss how things are going in the relationship. This can help address small issues before they become big problems and create a habit of open communication. I call this “couch time”. 

9. Be Patient and Give Space

• If emotions run high, it may be best to take a break and revisit the conversation later. Agree on a time to continue talking once you’ve both had a chance to cool down and be willing to come back to the conversation with an attitude of collaboration.

10. Use Positive Reinforcement

• Acknowledge and appreciate when your partner makes an effort to communicate better. Positive reinforcement can encourage more of the same behavior in the future.

11. Be Clear and Direct

• Express your needs, desires, and concerns directly and clearly. Avoid passive-aggressive behavior, hints, or vague language. Being straightforward can prevent misunderstandings.

12. I can help change the cycle

• If you find that you are struggling to communicate effectively despite your best efforts, consider scheduling a free consultation with me. I can help you develop better communication skills and address any underlying issues. 
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