Too much closeness? Not enough closeness?

How do you handle the dilemma of one person needing more connection and the other needing more space? This is a typical Pusuer-Withdrawer dynamic.

One way to improve the distance in a pursuer-withdrawer dynamic in a relationship is through differentiation which can create a more safe and secure relationship overall. 

Improving differentiation involves developing emotional strength, self-awareness, and communication skills. 

Here are some practical ways to strengthen differentiation while staying connected in your relationship: 

1. Build Self-Awareness

• Reflect on YOUR emotions, triggers, and patterns in the relationship.
• Ask yourself: Do I change my behavior just to avoid conflict? or Do I expect my partner to always make me feel secure and happy? or How do my responses affect my partner? 
• Journaling or therapy can help you understand your emotional reactions so that you can work to improve them.

2. Regulate Your Emotions

• Work to manage your stress and discomfort without blaming your partner.
• Practice deep breathing, mindfulness, counting to 10 or pausing before reacting in conflict.
• Recognize when you’re emotionally flooding and take a step back or call a time out for yourself.

3. Express Yourself Gently

• Share your thoughts and feelings kindly and without blaming your partner.
• Take responsibility for your part in the argument. 
• Use “I” statements: “I feel unheard when we talk about finances” instead of “You never listen to me.”
• Accept that your partner won’t always agree with you, and it’s ok to have a difference of opinion. 

4. Accept Differences

• Accept that your partner is a separate person with their own thoughts and feelings. You have 2 different brains. 
• Resist the urge to “fix” them or expect them to always align with your views.
• Appreciate their individuality instead of seeing differences as threats. Remember the phrase that “two heads are better than one”. 

5. Stay Connected Without Losing Yourself

• Practice being close without collapsing—don’t sacrifice your needs just to avoid conflict.
• Avoid “all or nothing” thinking (e.g., If they don’t agree with me, they don’t love me).
• Stand by your values while being open to your partner’s perspective.
• There usually is not a “right” or “wrong” way to do something, find ways to collaborate. 

6. Manage Conflict Without Overreacting

• Take responsibility for your own emotions instead of blaming your partner.
• If tensions rise, take a break and come back to the discussion calmly. 
• Work through disagreements with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Ask questions to truly understand your partner’s perspective. 

Email me to find out more about therapy and how to thrive in a pursuer-withdrawer relationship dynamic. [email protected]